Sunday, May 13, 2007

There now, steady, Love; so few come and don't go...

... will you, won't you, be the one I'll always know?
[Look After You, The Fray]

I would just like to point out that I loved this song a full year ago. Or more.

I've been thinking about something a lot today. It's based on something my roommate Elise said... I live my life in the future. I mean, in regards to my relationship with Jason, for as much as we try to embrace today, so much of our focus is on our future.

June 14, when he gets here and we see each other again for the first time in almost 80 days. June 17, when I meet his family. June 18, when we move me into what will be our apartment. September 8, when I become his wife. December whatever-ith, when he takes the LSAT. God willing, the fall of '08, when he starts law school. I even eat for the future- I can eat that cupcake (I REALLY crave cupcakes lately) but it will take up residence on my hips and thighs and likely will still be calling those areas home when I'm trying to look beautiful for my wedding day. I work out so that I will look better later, or will have a healthier heart later, but not because in this moment it's what I want and need.

Granted, this isn't wrong. But it's fact. I am reminded that God tells me to concern myself with what He has for me today, because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.

I want to get to that place where I exercise now, for today, because I want that rush of my blood coursing through my veins, muscles screaming, the exhilaration of endorphins releasing into my consciousness. I want to refuse to eat the cupcake- refuse to buy the cupcake, even, which I sure wasn't strong enough to do on Friday!- because today I want to eat for the glory of God, not for the gluttony of my taste buds. I want to talk to Jason daily and enjoy who he is right now, in this moment, and not because of how tangible he'll be when I'm in his arms in 32 days-- oh, you know we're counting. All things considered, and as contradictory to this post as it may seem, how could we not?

I know what this requires- settling in my mind, by faith, that God is God of every little moment. To live for this instant without concern for what may or may not come tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. And it's still not wrong to think about the future. It would be rather foolish to live without taking the consequences of today's choices and actions into account. I just want to embrace right now, now, and not regret the past and what has gone by.

So here's to today. In the meantime, I won't hesitate to glance at the beautiful ring on my finger and smile with the knowledge of the promise it holds.